Home

What is it that makes "Home" so special? is it the faces? the memories? the familiarity of everything? or is it just cause it's home?
I wanted to be independent, to be on my own, to see if I can make it all by myself, to try it all, then stamp it YES or NO for myself, that I did.
Still I'm lost, still unsatisfied, so now what? Egypt is amazing, there is nothing like Cairo, ElQuahera is the best city in my opinion still, with the traffic, with the dirt, with the noise, and people all in you business, kobry October, restrictions, rudeness, sexual harassment on the go! the red-tape, the mad prices, the long lines, the smell of sweat, the racism, the anti-feminist comments and rules, sharaf elbent, people looking at me funny when I say what I really think, stubborn and ignorant old men, stupid comments, "3amal elmar2a" yes or no!!!!! getting stuck in traffic when some insignificant "Folan" is driving somewhere, requiring dozens of poor soldiers to stand, back to the roads, in the burning sun! the pressure of finding a husband before I'm an old maid! boring TV, talentless movies, along with the holiness, the sense of belonging, the familiar streets, the simplicity of things, my best friend, the prayers calls, Elkorba, mama, Arabic signs in the streets, the best sense of humor, girls night out, warmth, baba, evenings with my cousins watching Mohamed Sobhy, family gatherings, driving to Alex on weekends, late phone calls, the smell of food, knowing I'm safe with mom and dad in the next room, my BFF is a block away, arguing with friends about the sexual orientation of Tamer Hosni, The Eid prayer, Ramadan, oh, Ramadan, that's the worst of them all, not feeling Ramadan, "beoble, ya cabtin, za best, elbes el shoes, and 2ol hi le uncle", Elsa7el with my best friends, Elmarghany, being in the back seat of dad's car, sacred to death while he's driving, Sharm, being taken care of when I'm sick, knowing I'm so precious, that I matter, for me, just me, nice whether all year round, sitting down for lunch with my family, lunch, the main meal of the day, K.grams, K.meters, places with memories, and Egyptians, my people.
My father always taught me to sit and reflect on my life on new years eve, and to be proud of what I've accomplished throughout the year, and make a commitment to improve what I should. It'll be 2008 in two hours. my feet hasn't stepped on Egyptian ground at all in 2007, that's a damn shame, I still haven't moved to NYC to publish my best seller, or became the author I always thought I'd be, or moved to the West and became a screenwriter living by the ocean!
I'm stuck in the middle, not east nor west, certainly not home! now what?
It's not so bad here, my own place, great TV, beautiful snow, freedom, financial independence, wide variety for any and everything, new gadgets, connectivity, beautiful clothes, Target, relevance, interesting characters, new adventures, life-changing experiences, HBO, great food, rights, bills in my name, also living alone, having to explain that I didn't drive a camel to school! and that there's a logical reason behind why Muslims don't do certain things, shoveling snow off my windshield, working on the Eid, fasting alone, freezing my ass off just walking to my car, hollowness, meaningless actions! bills, having to be mature 24/7, detachment , mom and dad are not in the next door room, my BFF isn't a call away, the signs in the streets are not in Arabic, no one says Noha right, no jokes are that funny! if I quote Madrast Elmoshghybyn no one will know what the hell I'm talking about, I haven't had Ma7shy in more than a year, that's sad. no one knows why I laugh when someone says "tease".
It's a different world, and I'm caught in between the two worlds, undecided. I eat fool for breakfast while listening to Abd Elwahab, then sit writing on candle lights while listening to Nina Simone in the evening.
Soon the Clock will struck 12, Cinderella will have to go home,or else it'll be too late, cause afterwards she'll no longer be who she pretends to be, she'll go back to her real self.

Noha Elsewiafy,
Decemeber 31 2007